I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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