you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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