What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
