I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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