Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
