In the future we'll all be gay
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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