Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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