hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
