I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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