Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
foreskin is a definite game changer
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize