I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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