I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize