Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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