Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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