I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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