dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
