Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
