u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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