is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
