Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
