They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
