my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
