Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
