I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
