They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize