chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
