Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
