Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
