Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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