even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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