We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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