The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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