I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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