How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize