Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize