I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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