come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
