i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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