Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
