it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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