Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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