You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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