Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
