I wish my penis had an off switch
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
