I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
