After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
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