Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
