how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
