I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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