Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
