Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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