I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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