I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
