I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
