Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
